Tonight I read the blog of one of the students who had Mono just before I did. Of the 5 of us who contracted the same virus, 2 recovered in the normal three weeks or so, and 3 of us did not. This young friend seems to have finally recovered fully and reading it made me happy for her. But it also got me thinking about where I'm at and for some reason, tonight, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.
On the upside, I went to the feed store today and loaded 3, 40lb bags and 1 50lb bag of feed into my car. It was the first time since last July, I think, that the muscle strength was completely available as I did it. That's some serious good news, and should give me hope that the rest of me may also be returned. :)
But on the downside, I don't have the same mental strength to go with it. I try not to dwell on it much. It even has its own benefits. But it's a little wasted on me tonight. I could use that old confidence, thoroughness, and ability this week, but it's just not available. I'm missing my creativity and the ability to competently tackle whatever needs doing. I'm tired of dropping things and misjudging where I am in space. I would really like my coordination and quick reflexes back. Toss me something now and it's likely I'll bat at it a few times and watch it hit the floor. I still (!) can't take too much stimuli, or even mildly increased stimuli for too many days running. I've had house guests for a week now and I can feel it. But friends will be joining us for a couple of days on Saturday and I'm getting anxious. Entertaining is not the walk in the park it used to be. I don't know what to fix for meals while they're here. What few social skills I used to function with are entirely absent, I can't carry my end of the conversation much of the time. I don't have their room ready yet and I can only guess at what else I'm forgetting.
But the truth is, I am not dying any more than any other person who has been born, and significantly less than many. I am not really even suffering unless I wallow in self-pity (which I admit to doing a little tonight) and then it's entirely self-inflicted so I shouldn't even complain. I am much better off than much of the planet and even some of my friends. And in the best case scenario, this is only the beginning. I am aging whether I completely recover from this virus or not. I am getting old and as all the grandmas know, that's not for sissies. Gravity always wins, for one thing. And while every good woman loves the scars and wrinkles that mark time in her friends, I think there are maybe only a few that truly embrace it in their own reflection regardless of what the best greeting cards and email forwards have to say.
I've never been much of a sissy so that's in my favor. I'm a realist, so that can't hurt. I don't expect to have a consistently "happy" life; in fact I'd be disappointed if I did. I have the love of a good man and our children, and my church family that has put up with me for over 5 years now. Most importantly, God has promised in His Word to never leave nor forsake me, and to complete the work that He has begun in me. He gives wisdom when I ask and guidance that is specific to my needs. He works every. single. thing. together for good in my life, His mercies are new every morning and He promises peace that surpasses understanding if I will only accept it.
Jesus was a 'man of sorrows, acquainted with grief'. I think He could probably be described as "weather-beaten". The Father is making me more like the Son, which should be reason enough to rejoice. That can hardly happen in the absence of some inclement weather. If the Lord sees fit to do it through such light suffering as this, then I should rejoice all the more!
" I've never been much of a sissy so that's in my favor. I'm a realist, so that can't hurt." We are a lot alike right here...but that does not make the road easy, for sure. I appreciate your openness. (There is wood like that where I grew up; I took my nephew's senior portraits in front of it.)
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