A New Season

     We went to PM's memorial service yesterday. He went home to be with the Lord two days after I was there. (See Feb. 3 post.) It was the best message I have heard in a very long time. Perhaps it was the best message I have ever heard. It was not a trumpet blast of exhortation charged from a Sunday sermon, but a quiet message of truth, hope and comfort shared gently through the example of a godly man. It was a joyous, real celebration of a life lived fully, faithfully, and victoriously in Christ. P died the way he lived: with full assurance that God orchestrates everything (Yes, cancer too.) for good purpose and He allows us to be part of the amazing things He’s doing if we will just surrender ourselves and our lesser plans to Him. I Peter 4:19 says that "those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." The M's let go of everything, committing themselves to P's Creator to the end; and it was SO good, because it was SO right to do.

     Letting go of our plans can be difficult. Did I say “difficult”? I meant heart-wrenching. Anytime we set our hearts on something and cling to it and stomp our feet and scream “But it’s MINE!” letting go is  excruciating.  The Lord was asking me to let go of something, too, and sometime during that service, full to overflowing with praise, honor, and worship to a deserving God, awed and thankful to have been a tiny part of His good plan for the M’s, and seeing face to face the beauty He was bringing from the ashes, I heard Him whisper to me: "Is this worth it?" and I could only reply through tears, "Oh YES, Lord." Sometimes a good object lesson beats a hundred sermons.

  You see, I am still struggling with what I suppose is Epstein-Barr disease. And for awhile now the Lord has been gently tugging at my tight-fisted grasp on “FULL RECOVERY.” No human can make that happen. I am human; I cannot make it happen. But I had it by the throat, and though I wanted to let go I couldn’t, until I saw it done well by others. I am pursuing answers—not quite done yet, but very close—and there are measures that I will take to be as healthy as I can, but I am no longer expecting to receive back the life I used to have. That is not drama, it is realism; if the Lord wants to surprise me with good health I will not turn Him away! But at this moment, and hopefully for much longer, it is okay if He does not. Actually it is much, much better than okay. It is good. It is very good, because God asks me to be part of the good plans He has, if I will just surrender myself and my lesser plans to Him. And in His kindness He even prepared me to let go by giving me something better to hold on to, something more important to me than my health, something I had feared was also lost, something I wasn’t sure I could live without. I can only let go of my physical life because He has restored to me my spiritual life; and I only understand its value because He was willing to take it from me, so that I could understand.

  One month ago, in a 24 hour period, the Lord restored the parts of my life that are most dear to me, the parts He started taking away last Spring, the parts I was not living well without. Namely, He restored to me the sense of His presence, the sound of His voice, the knowledge of His leading, and the ability to serve Him. Being stripped down physically from active to inactive, and mentally from vibrant to dull is hard and sorrowful (especially if you maintain a very tight grasp). But being stripped down spiritually from intimately connected to your Heavenly Father to seemingly without any connection was Hell on Earth. Truly, the perception of being separated from Him was almost more than I could bear, and there were times when I thought about not bearing it any longer. I could not have comprehended then how much I needed to palpably understand what matters and what does not. Without the absence of my spiritual health, and then its restoration, I could not have clearly understood how little my physical health really means. But now I do. That is nothing short of amazing.

  Yesterday in the middle of understanding all this, the Lord further encouraged me with an example of light: there is a light that shines far and wide and brightly and is useful for many things, but there is also a light that shines small and it is useful for altogether other things, and one cannot do the job of the other. I guess He is suggesting that instead of being a floodlight, now He wants me to be a laser—or perhaps a pen light. ;) He has been gently letting me know, for quite awhile now, that this small life is the full extent of what He will return to me for now, and possibly for the rest of my life. (That’s His business, not mine.) But at the same time, in His love and kindness, He prepared me and helped me and in the end gave me hope. This is His good plan and He is calling me to be part of it! It is a message of truth, hope and comfort. And thus the question He asked: "Is this worth it?" Strange that it seems so obvious now.

  Today felt like spring, and knowing that this week's weather is supposed to be much like today, I want it to be a “good” week (that's my secret code for “pain-free and productive”), but even if it’s not I think I will still be able to enjoy the beginning of this new season because I have what really matters and I know it.