Keeping Up the Past

     We have been in Indiana about 5 and a half years, and I am shocked by how many of the lovely old barns that we used to pass in our region have in this short time either fallen, burned, or been knocked down. In fact, ours is one of the few in our area that remains intact. The barn to the left is not mine, but I passed it while out today and wondered how long it would keep standing on its insufficient wooden peg-for-a-leg and I sincerely wished that somebody would or could make it more stable. 

     As the owner of an old barn with normal old barn issues, I understand so much more now about the mixed blessing of having and keeping one of these structures than I did when I bought our place. They can be very useful, and the sight of them can illicit such comforting notions of the "Good Old Days", but in the end it takes a lot of time, money and energy to maintain them. And even if one can do it, the return is rarely equal the investment. 

     This is our barn. Isn't she pretty in her white cape? I'm going to be honest--this is her good side. And the reason it's still good is that it hasn't had to face much of what life in our valley throws at it, as this side faces East. But the West side, well, that is a different story. Almost daily it is beaten by the wind. When the storms send pounding rains and pelting hail and howling gales they almost always blow from that direction. The wood siding over there has been worn away at every edge by the onslaught and small animals can now fit easily through spaces between the boards. It is desperate to be replaced or covered. A roof truss on that side recently caved in a bit by some frightening gusts, and the sheeting, having faced the same abuse, needs a coat of aluminum paint. If it doesn't happen soon the rust that has begun will become holes which will become rot which will soon after become a tumbled down heap of century-old timbers. (Anyone have an extra $5000 and a week of labor to donate? Really? Us neither.)

     So as we, allegorically-speaking, consider the cost of keeping up the past, I am asking myself about clinging to it in my thoughts as well. Is it worth the pains involved to prop up what used to be? It's a big investment for momentary nostalgia. If I am honest I should recognize that when I'm sad I am only gazing on the pretty side of things and conveniently ignoring the ugly and untended parts. I am also forgetting that I have a master carpenter overseeing this project and I would be foolish to second-guess His plan and methods.

     My mind and personality are diminished and when I want to reminisce and feel pitiful I remember how I could multi-task like a machine and had ideas upon ideas upon ideas and how I could creatively problem-solve, brainstorm, make things, and serve Christ in unique ways. All of which appear to be so desirable and beautiful from a good, snow-covered distance. But the weather-beaten truth is that my brain was often scrambling frantically and it made me tense and rushed. I regularly packed a week's worth of activity into a few days. I couldn't see the problems well (I guess I was always looking from the East), but I remember saying a few times that it was "awfully noisy up there" in my head. It had gotten to the point where I often had trouble focusing on a singular idea, activity, conversation, or person at a time. I am sure that I hurt people I care about by being too distracted to focus on their needs, a conversation with them or a special day. Busy, busy, busy. Churn, churn, churn. Scramble, scramble, scramble.

     For decades I have asked the Lord to help me with this problem. Like our barn it was really huge and beyond my resources to fix it, but it needed to be taken care of. What a shock that He would tear it down! ("Um Lord, I was just thinking maybe new siding and a coat of paint?!) The foundation was solid though and most of the big timbers are strong. And the Lord is not slow; He's already rebuilding. While I can't yet see what His final plans are, I know it will all be done perfectly. Jesus The Creator is my builder and He only does good work.